Read last week's installment here.
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Wednesday, September 20 (continued)
Larry the Therapist also told me that I am at a point where I have two choices of roads to travel. The one with my addiction and the one without. And if I try to do both, for example-keep PC as a friend, I will get a little bit up the road and then have to come back down and go up the other only to come back down and try to go back up the other.
He called this a "dark night of the soul" and he said that it's like being in a storm. This storm of PC's altered reality. My ship is being thrown around and there's no lighthouse to be seen and I can't find my grounding. He said I need to reach out to my resources to help me get grounded and get through this.
We talked about the fruit basket that is me. (Haha, yeah, I'm a fruit.) He said that my basket has been overturned and I need to choose which parts are me and need to be picked back up and put back in the basket. He said I should pick up the parts that are strong and happy and fun. The pieces that have been rotting away from the lies and deceit, I should take the time to cut out the rotting parts and salvage what is still good.
Some people very close to PC have told me that his lying problem goes back to his childhood. He has always lied, and for no reason. And I let him wrap me up in the lies because they were pretty and romantic and safe. Or so I thought. Mostly I knew they were lies. Things just never really added up, but I WANTED to believe so badly.
Maybe what I'm mostly grieving is the lack of judgement when I ignored ALL the red flags that popped up over the last year. And he was really GOOD at lying. Only if you know him well will you pick up on his "tells." Just like a poker player, he has signs that he's bluffing. But he would only tell very well researched lies. I didn't know anything about the music industry so when I asked why his name wasn't listed as writer on the songs he claimed to have written and he told me it was because once the rights are purchased, the record label can put whoever's name on it they want to; I didn't know that wasn't true. And when he told me he played for Rascal Flatts when they were Deuces Wild before they got Joe Don Rooney and I looked up a Rascal Flatts bio website and it said "they had a part-time guitar player until Joe Don sat in and they realized this was the band that was going to make it," hell, it could have been PC. The guitar player was never named. And other ones that I could never solidly prove wrong until he underestimated how much I cared for him when I tried to get his daughter to KS when he was having "surgery" after the "accident." That was the first time I found out that the entire Rascal Flatts thing was made up, he never had any of his songs recorded, he had been married more times than he revealed and that most of the music "career" that he "gave up" for me when he moved back to KS from TN was a complete fabrication.
After that, I STILL gave him the chance to be truthful and I found out that he lied about little things all the time since he had his big "coming out" when he told me the truth about the music thing and his life, the back injury had been made up (mostly, it happened, but not in the dramatic way he told me), the meanings of his tattoos were made up. He swore that he was telling me the truth, but I caught him in little lies all the time and I would tell myself, "Well, it doesn't really hurt anyone, so let him have it." Then he started telling the ones that hurt. About not having other girls and always being faithful. And when I finally had proof that those were lies, I got angry. All the pain and humiliation of being lied to for so long came to the surface. But even after that I let him tell me that it was MY issues that ruined the relationship. He told me I had no reason not to trust him. I have trust issues and I'm selfish and I should get help and if I did maybe we could have a chance and I BOUGHT INTO IT and latched onto that bullshit hook, line, and sinker. I was grasping at that last little bit of the drug. Give me back my altered reality because I am unstable without it.
This guy’s good, huh? More of Larry the Therapist in next week’s installment.
Comments are now OPEN! Feel free to comment about your breakups or my breakups or anything else these posts bring up for you!