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Saturday, October 07
Off the wagon and I'm hitchin’ a ride.
Thursday I had a bad day. The weather was gloomy, I was sad. Everywhere I turned I saw something that reminded me of PC. Well at football practice that night I got a text from him. Could it be my bad day was a premonition? Did he somehow sense that I was having a bad day? I heard sociopaths sometimes have a sixth sense. Dickhead always did. Anyway, the text was asking "so how you doing?" How am I doing? HOW AM I DOING? I WAS doing FINE until I saw your name pop up on the screen. (I now call him "Saddam.") Karen was with me at the time and can attest to my "ohmigodohmigodohmigod." So I wrote back (smack on the hand #1) and said, "not too bad." His text said that he heard I was doing really well, I went to the bar Monday night. Oh, so you heard I was out having a good time, must be getting over you and you decided to shit on my day, huh? I wrote back, "Oh you heard about me dumping that drink on that guy?" He wrote, "Not what I heard but it was still funny." Well, the drink incident was the only thing that happened of note, so whatever he heard was fabrication and I told him so. He wrote, "It doesn't matter, I don't even know why they told me about it." I replied, "Look, I know you don't care and that makes me feel like shit, so I must not be ready to talk to you." He called me immediately and I answered. (smack on the hand #2) He was like, "Woah, why you hatin’?" (First of all when did he start saying that?) I said, "I'm not but I'm upset now and I don't want to talk to you, I'm just not ready to be your friend." He said something and hung up. Then he texts with "I am really upset now, all I wanted was to hear your voice, I'm sorry I reached." Great. Play on my weakness, your weakness. I called back. (smack on the hand #3) I was like, "I didn't mean to upset you, I was just caught off guard, I had a bad day." We talked for a few minutes and he said I should call back after I put my kids to bed. I did (smack on the hand #4) and we talked for an hour about how selfish I am for not wanting to talk to him and how he won't ever reach out for me again. He said, "That's what was wrong with our relationship, it was always about you." I said, "I felt like it was always about you." He said, "That's what's fucked up, you'll never see it for what it really was." WHAT????? I thought that having my kids stay with my mom so we could do whatever HE wanted to do when HE wanted to do it was putting him first. (Bad judgement on my part, I know.) I thought that making sure he knew I was thinking of him all the time by buying him things or writing him notes was putting him first. I thought that watching his kids when they came for the summer (which I loved, don't get me wrong, but I didn't have to do) was putting him first. I thought that swallowing my pride and not saying all the things I wanted to say was putting him first. I thought that letting him get away with his little lies was putting him first. I thought ALWAYS watching what HE WANTED TO FUCKING WATCH WAS PUTTING HIM FIRST! AND HE HAS THE FUCKING NERVE TO TELL ME IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME???? ALL ABOUT MEEEEEEE??????????
NO, what was wrong with the relationship was that he was a fucking liar who thought the world should revolve around his ass. All I wanted was for his world to revolve around me as much as my world revolved around him. Instead I was a lonely planet revolving around a cold sun and I had nothing to fuel me. He would probably say the same thing, but only because someone as FUCKING DELUSIONAL as him has to project their own faults onto others before it hits him that they are actually HIS FAULTS. Oh, and he must have said it fifty times on the phone the other night... "You're doing fine." GOD DAMN RIGHT I AM. He also said a few times that he wants us to be together but only after I "get right with" myself. Well guess what? I'm right with myself and I'm right with my kids and I'm right with my life and I'm FUCKING RIGHT for once. Being with him is what made me so... NOT RIGHT! I was so addicted to that relationship and him that I was SO WRONG in so many things. But that's over. And I'm right with myself.
Get back on the fucking wagon, Jess.
Tune in next week, when I get the hell out of town for a little bit…
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