Read last week's installment here.
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Monday, May 19 (continued)
So. Now I can't sleep, needless to say. First, he gets some girl's number in a bar, with my brother there, possibly endorsing the whole thing. Then he calls her after she texts him. Then he lies to me about who he's talking to. If you have the presence of mind to lie, aren't you sober enough to know what's going on? I'm left to wonder, why do men cheat on me? Why do men feel the need to go find someone else? Am I that much of a psycho byotch that no one can handle me? Am I unattractive? Am I getting fat? Am I bad in bed? Am I not fun to hang out with?
I have no idea what to do. I cannot go through this again. A few weekends ago, he went out with a guy from his physics class and offended the guy by talking about his girlfriend's ass. I wasn't there, but Mr. W told me how he'd offended the guy. So slowly we're getting to the point of no return. And I don't want to go there. We were going to buy a house, for fuck's sake! And now I have to worry about him picking up chicks when I can't go to the bar because I worked too hard? And lying about it? He could have said, "Oh, it's Keely, Amy's friend... she brought me home and wanted to make sure I got in the house okay." But no, "Uh... it's your brother." WHY? What do you have to hide? I am shaking so badly right now. I can't do this again. I trusted him beyond a shadow of a doubt! All I've said since we got together was how I could totally trust him and I know he'd never lie to me. Blah, blah, blah. I'm an idiot. Fukkin A. Men are all the same! Fukkin liars! So I figure I have a two choices. 1) I can leave him and make sure he doesn't get the chance to do to me what Prince Charming did. 2) I can tell myself that he was just drunk and forget it. I am so incredibly upset I can't even think about either one. I am so angry. So hurt. How could he do this?
Option one means finding a place to move that I can afford. It means explaining to the kids why Mr. Wonderful isn’t around anymore. My car has his name on it, too. It means starting all over.
Option two means always living with the fear of him scoping out other chicks, waiting for a better one to come along and trying to find ways to hide it from me. It means disrespecting myself, just like I did with Prince Charming, and letting him get away with this crap.
It's almost four a.m. I can't wake anyone up with this, because they all have lives and have to get up in the morning. I, on the other hand, have no life. Not now. I will have to decide if I want to build a new one or rebuild this one. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe this all sounds a bit dramatic. But the bottom line is, I took a huge leap of faith, trusting a man after what happened with Prince Charming. And I just fell flat on my face. This is exactly how I felt after the "You looked so cute last night," text from the future pregnant chick when I was dating Dream Guy. Exactly how I felt all those times I caught PC texting or calling some other girl. I swore I would never let this happen. I swore I'd never feel like this again. But here I am. Bouncing back and forth, feeling horrible, like I did something wrong to make him do this... then feeling so angry at him that I can't see straight. Thinking of ways to exact my revenge, then thinking of ways to convince him I'm good enough. I have to be at work at nine for a meeting. He will be so hung over in the morning that he won't go to work. This won't be the first time he's had to take vacation time because of a hangover. I won't be able to talk to him in the morning before I go because he'll probably still be drunk. Should I even try to talk to him? Should I just let it go? Should I just find a way out? Oh God, I don't know.
One minute I'm sitting here talking about how retail makes my body ache and the next minute I'm contemplating the end of my relationship. Sweet fucking Christ.
Wednesday, May 21
it’s fine now
I found out the whole story, in pieces, from Donny, Donny's girlfriend Amy, and Amy's conversation with Keely. Nothing happened between them, and Mr. W has admitted that the number exchange and the lie were very bad and he is apologetic. We'll be fine, but he knows he will have to help me rebuild the trust I had for him. He also has said that he is going to cut way down on the drinking. Anyway, have to go get the bean. Thank you to everyone that was concerned and was there for me to cry to. I don't know what I'd do without my friends.
Tune in next week for the next round of drama.