Read last week's installment here.
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You will notice this jumps from May to July and it’s obvious Mister Wonderful and I have broken up. Herein lies the heartbreak.
Sunday, July 27
For Mr. Wonderful
Dear Mr. W,
It's Sunday night. I just got back from dinner and a movie with Mom and Donny. Amy came too and so did SB. We saw "The Dark Knight." It was really good. All the hype surrounding The Joker is well deserved.
Anyway, I really miss you right now and want to call you or text you, but I know you have a lot on your mind and I don't want to make things worse and I definitely don't want to push you. I was so glad to see you today and so happy to hold you for a few minutes. I was considering e-mailing this to you so you could have some of what I'm going to say as part of your T-chart (which I can only assume is a pros and cons chart since I have no idea what it actually is, lol). But I won't because I think I want you to make your decision on your own. Logically think it out and come up with what's best for you. I'm afraid if I pressure you or try to talk you into something then you'll resent me. So these thoughts will keep here in maspace until we talk.
When I told you you're not blameless, here is what I'm talking about: You ignore me when you're around other people (which is why I was mad at you Wednesday night and the alcohol made it so much worse, I was so incredibly drunk), you never pet my head to help me fall asleep anymore (which I really resent, because that's a part of you that I fell so deeply in love with... your tenderness to my stress and anxiety), and you expect too much out of me when I work as much, and as hard, as I do (see a partial solution for that a little later). Every time we do this I have those few silly things that are pissing me off and you always do your best to change them and I may have never told you how much I truly appreciate that, but I really do. You have always done everything I have ever asked of you and I realize how I have taken that for granted. But I think that's the main problem...
I have made a grave mistake by making you solely responsible for my happiness. No one should have to bear that burden, which I have never even been able to bear myself. I should never have put so much pressure on you. I know that, whether things work out for us or not, I am going to just set my mind to believe that good things are happening and will happen and I will not focus on the negative anymore. I have been such a negative person my whole adult life that it's going to take me a minute to make this drastic change but I am committed to doing it. (This is why I don't want to send this e-mail before you're ready to talk, because I don't want it to sound like I'm making promises just so we can stay together.) It probably sounds silly, but I bought some books and stuff about ways to manage stress and anger and ways to change your personal philosophy on life so that you stop automatically jumping to negative emotions. I have already read one of them and I am deeply committed to making this change, for myself and for my kids.
Tune in next week for the rest of the letter.