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Friday, September 15
Five Year Plan
So I woke up at three this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I cried until I felt like I was going to turn inside out and then I threw up until I did turn inside out. I wrote in my journal all the reasons the relationship was bad. I read them out loud in my room, at the suggestion of a friend. I realized that there is no way I deserved to be treated that way. And yet, I still cried even when there were no tears left just because I ache to have his arms around me. I know they are around someone else now. He's not the type to dwell on the past, he'll just pop someone new into my place. He has probably convinced himself that I was a terrible girlfriend and he never really loved me anyway. He might even tell himself he was going to leave me anyway. Even though we always promised that we'd tell each other if we were not happy. He always said, "The first few years are hard, baby, but it's worth it, we'll make this work." He even made us an appointment for pre-marital counseling because I thought we should work on trusting one another. But he has probably buried any feelings he ever had for me and hasn't even shed a tear over what I thought was going to be the rest of my life. My kids' lives. I told my son that he moved out and he got upset. He said, "Why?" I explained that he wanted to be with someone else. And Bug said, "Will he still come to visit?" It broke my heart. Split whatever pieces were left into little tiny splinters. My daughter asks about him every night. I just tell her he's not here. My five-year plan was so simple just a few short days ago. I wanted my kids happy and healthy and I wanted his head on my chest every night when we went to bed. I wanted to lace my fingers through his hair and smell his scent every night and day until I died. That's a little longer than five years, I hope, but whatever. And now I don't have a clue. The happy kids thing, yeah, I still want that. But the rest of my plan revolved around him. If he wanted to be a cop I wanted to be a cop's wife. If he wanted to play music I wanted to be a musician's wife. Even if he wanted to be a shiftless layabout, I wanted to lay there with him. I guess, saying that now, that's kind of unhealthy for me not to have my own goals. But I just was so wrapped up in him and who I was when I was with him. I was HIS and now I don't know what I am. Besides a wreck.
Friday, September 15
Poetry
when i was his
when i was his i laughed until i couldn't breathe
when i was his his smile was all that i could see
when i was his i missed him when he was away
i guess that part hasn't changed as of today
when i was his we'd laugh and goof off in the shower
when i was his we'd play the lyric game for hours
when i was his we'd road trip and sing 80s songs
gosh i haven't heard skid row in SO LONG
when i was his he sang me to sleep at night
when i was his he'd hold me til the world was right
when i was his he taught me some guitar chords
said i was good, and man it made my spirits soar
but when i was his i'd have to watch all that i said
and when i was his he said i was crazy in the head
and when i was his he lied to me and broke my heart
nothing like a night in jail to drive a couple apart
when i was his i'd drop by his work to bring him a kiss
when i was his i'd dream of us in wedded bliss
when i was his i'd text him lots when he was gone
and tell him when i finally found a lyric for "lawn"
when i was his he'd slay the crickets that scared me so
when i was his he'd fight with me against any foe
when i was his he'd rub my feet when they were sore
from spending all day on my feet working at the store
when i was his we'd make love until we could barely stand
when i was his we'd drink beer and watch that bluegrass band
when i was his we'd make love any time we had a minute
and he'd be late so sometimes even when we didn't
but when i was his i had to worry about where he was
and when i was his i had to worry about what he does
and when i was his he cheated and he broke my heart
sometimes i wonder if it was over from the start
yeah when i was his he lied to me and broke my heart
yeah when i was his he cheated and he broke my heart
yeah when i was his he loved me but he broke my heart
not to say that i did nothing on my part
Tune in next week, when I find some courage and a family member falls ill.