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Friday, September 15
Tattoo sans moral support?
Do we think I can do it, ladies and gentlemen? Can I go get this tattoo altered all by myself like a big girl? I am really trying to get on with my life here. Can I handle the pain without someone's hand to hold? He held my hand when I got it. Can I be strong enough to go in, have them draw the alteration, sit there while it gets done and stare out the window thinking of the love I've lost? I did it yesterday when I spent three hours in a salon having my hair done. (It looks amazing, by the way.) Can I handle another day of it? I certainly have to try. They open at noon, so I'll go down there and see what happens. What to do until then... ? I can't log onto my work e-mail anymore, so if you're e-mailing me there, I'm not going to get it. You'll have to send to my personal account. I could go on base and do some outprocessing, but I'm just not motivated enough to do that. After last night's pithy exertions with no sleep I really should take a nap. Incidentally, I want you all to know that I have not ONCE looked at his "my space" page. I am doing so well. I am curious, to say the least. Does he have his new girl on there as a "friend?" Is he posting blogs about me? Is he just pretending I didn't exist (that's how the page was laid out to begin with, you'd never know he even knew me)? Who knows, but I'm not going to look and no one tell me, if you know him. I can't take it. Part of me wants to imagine that he's miserable. Part of me hopes that he is happy. And still another part wishes I didn't even know he exists. So I'll make all parts happy and just draw my own conclusions. Anyway, wish me luck on the tattoo excursion. Jessie's out.
Friday, September 15
Tattoos and hospitals
So I'm about to head to the tattoo place. I'm really nervous. I almost hate to do it because there is still that part of me that wishes it would work out. I know all of you just went "ohdeargodno" but I can't help it! I really adored that man, I wish it could have worked out. But since it didn't, I must move forward in my life and that includes altering this tribute I made to him and to my love for him. Sad, sad, sad. Maybe the pain will help me cope. Not that I'm thinking of hurting myself in any way other than with a tattoo needle! Although eternal sleep would be preferable to the emotional darkness I'm going through right now, I couldn't do anything like that to my family.
Speaking of family, I found out today that my grandmother is in the hospital. She has a series of mini-strokes and she has a very irregular heartbeat. They are waiting for her to either have a full-blown stroke or a heart attack, but they're trying to prevent either one. Tote is 72 and I hate what she and Phlip must be going through right now. I am going to call her hospital in a little while and see how she is. I haven't seen her since 2003. She is a hell of a woman, I miss her quite a bit. Anyway, I'll let you know how that develops.
Next week... next week I really do fix the tattoo. Find out how.