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Friday, September 29
that flower looks good in your hair
So Larry gave me another analogy I forgot to relay to you guys... he said what I'm going through is like being on a ship in a storm. The ship is being tossed about and I'm losing my balance and I grab onto something to get some stability. It's the anchor. Solid and strong, the anchor becomes my only hope of making it through the storm. But then as the thrashing gets worse, the anchor slips off deck and into the water. I'm going down. But I am so afraid to let go. This anchor has been the only thing I knew of safety. I'm clinging to this thing for dear life. But I start to drown. My only choices are to let go and face the uncertainty of what will happen when I do, or hang on tighter and drown. So I'm looking at my current situation like this: I let go. I fuckin let go of that thing and I'm starting to float to the top of the water. I'm kicking, I'm trying to push myself to the top. And when I get there, the storm will have abated and I'll be able to see the sun. But right now, I'm still on that dark journey from the bottom.
Saturday, September 30
On an island in the sun... we'll be playin and havin fun...
AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO FINE I CAN'T CONTROL MY BRAIN!
Oh I am SO excited!!!! I told myself while I was in the desert that as soon as I got home I was going to plan a vacation to a real beach with water and everything. I had to keep putting it off for one reason or another, but NOT ANY MORE! A week from Monday I am leaving the ICT for white sand and blue water. I am going on a cruise to Key West and Playa del Carmen! I am going alone, and before anyone gives me a lecture about being a young, sexy chick traveling sans escort, let me just say that I have already thought it through and I promise I will be very careful. I will take a rape whistle and everything and I won't get drunk. Haha. Anyway, some of you will think I am insane, planning a trip like this at such short notice (that's the reaction I got from K Ry and Cindy, anyway). But the way I'm looking at it, training at my new job starts the 16th. Who knows when I'll have enough vacation time saved up to go? My military check stops coming on the 1st of November. Who knows how long it would be before I had enough money to do this? So I decided to just do it.
I'm on 66 hours of sobriety and by the time I get back it will have been 17 days. Now that I've admitted the problem to myself (I was just addicted to the feelings, not to him), it is so much easier to heal. My heart has been pounding less, I haven't cried since Wednesday's appointment with Larry, and I don't even pick up the phone to text him anymore. I still think about him, obviously, and I will for a while. But I'm making new memories and living my life in new ways. Enjoying who I am, not who he wanted me to be.
Oh, and as a side note, Bug did really well in his flag football game today. He pulled two flags in a row! He's usually just a blocker and not in the action so much, but today he did really well. I am very proud of him. Next year he's going to play TACKLE, the little wuss. Haha.
Comments are now OPEN! Feel free to comment about your breakups or my breakups or anything else these posts bring up for you!